Sleepless in NashVegas

Gotta love ya some insomnia.

Auntie Roadchick isn't even exactly sure if she is tired, Patient Reader. Body-tired, maybe, but her brain won't shut off.

It's 6 am on Saturday and the 'chick stayed up until 2 am, fell asleep for a couple of hours, woke up, and that's all she wrote. Want to bet that by this afternoon, the day will be kicking the 'chick's ass?

It's comforting to know that even at 5 am, you can get up and watch either the Olympics or 'Little House on the Prairie'. The old ones, where Melissa Gilbert needed braces in a desperate, buck-toothed way.

When the 'chick was growing up, her mother was rather strict. (Still is, actually, bless her. Not that it does a bit of good.) (Should we call Roadchick's mother Roadhen? Hee!) Anyway, television was considered to be a waste of time and horrible trash.

Exceptions for television watching were made for 'Little House on the Prairie' which was felt to have some sort of redeeming value. What, the 'chick is not sure, but since she was about 6 years old when the show first aired, it did not matter. Roadchick wanted to BE Laura Ingalls. Many an afternoon was spent with a friend, playing 'Little House'. Roadchick and friend would dress up in old, discarded, faded skirts with aprons and tote old schoolbooks and a tiny bucket as a pretend lunchbucket. They would trudge miles around the backyard, finally getting to the schoolhouse - the backyard shed that housed the lawnmower. It was hard imagining around the scent of gasoline and lawn implements, but the 'chick and friend managed.

Shows that were horrible trash? 'The Dukes of Hazzard'. The 'chick had to sneak to a friend's house to watch because it was NOT allowed on the television at home. Because that Daisy Duke? Worse than a prostitute, dressing that way, flaunting her womanly charms. In front of her cousins. Shameful!

The 'chick was also not allowed to watch 'The Dick Van Dyke Show', which was on in reruns. Why? The 'chick has NO idea - it was never explained. It was just, "Turn off that horrible trash and go DO something. Now."

As the 'chick got older, other things were forbidden. Prince (or the Artist-Formerly-Known-As, or that weird symbol that has no name) was NOT allowed. In any form. No 'Purple Rain'. No cassette tapes. No posters. No magazines with pictures or articles. It was enough to make doves cry. Because the 'chick had a serious passion for the Purple One.

The Battle Royale over Prince was a long one. The 'chick owned every single Prince cassette tape ever made but kept them hidden in a little lock box. The 'chick's friends were going to the Purple Rain concert and the 'chick wanted to go so badly that she would've done anything to get there. The 'chick's mom got wind of the plan and the 'chick was grounded until the Purple One left town. Just to be safe.

Amazingly, the 'chick's mom never did quite figure out that Sheila E. was part of the same posse that Prince ran with. Sheila E., while bad trash, was not horrible trash, and was allowed. At low volume.

Roadchick's mom no longer has to be quite so in the mainstream, but does call Kid Rock "that rock person". She does not love the Kid. She came over one day and the 'chick had left a couple of Kid Rock CDs on the counter and of course, her mom picked them up and then had a serious discussion with the 'chick about letting Rockboy listen to that horrible trash.

Patient Reader? The 'chick is ashamed to admit that she sold Rockboy south and let him take the blame, especially since he wasn't there at the time.

What? The 'chick didn't want to get grounded.

Ohhhhh-prah

Sometimes, as a treat, Auntie Roadchick will buy herself a copy of O - The Oprah Magazine. There's always a ton of stuff to read, just enough self-help to keep you busy for a little while, and tons of pictures.

What can the 'chick say? She's pretty easy to entertain.

The September issue did not disappoint. According to Oprah, "This issue is for anybody out there who's feeling overwhelmed."

Um, hand up, right here, 'kay? A tiny, wee bit overwhelmed.

Anyway, so lots of self-helpy this month. Add that to the list.

Improve self.
That goes right under: Clean litter box.

But Oprah & Co. rarely disappoint.

In the Tech Toys section (page 180), there are high tech vibrators. Yup, you read that right. Vibrators, in Oooooooo magazine. Gives a new meaning to the Big O, don't it?

Anyway, one, called Naughtinano by OhMiBod, plugs into your iPod and it "pulses in sync with the tune you're hearing." Visit http://www.ohmibod.com/ for more details or to purchase. Appropriately priced at $69.



There's another selection for the more. . . discreet: The Tiny Spot by Myla "that could pass for a piece of custom art." You know, in case you're into leaving your vibrator on the coffee table. Visit http://www.myla.com/ for more details or to purchase. Only $150.



Now, your Auntie Roadchick does have to say that those are two excellent ways of relieving a little stress. Or a lot. If you have lots of batteries.

Where were we?

Oh yes, the magazine:

There's always a gorgeous fashion spread with tons of clothes the 'chick would LOVE to have. But, they're not practical. They're good for getting ideas of what is "in", but the 'chick cannot see herself buying a $995 Marc Jacobs summer dress. Ever.

But the best part is: "Can I wear my summer dresses in the fall?"

Answer: Yes. And you can save money by wearing tights ($23) with your open-toed high-heeled sandals (also from summer).

Hee. As if anyone that can buy a $995 dress needs to save money by schlepping the look into fall with tights.

Ohhhhhprah, Auntie Roadchick loves you, yes she does. And if you ever need a reviewer for . . . products (or books), the 'chick is available.

Shameless Self-Promotion

If you look to the right, you will see that the 'chick has added a link to something called Roadchick Reviews.

The 'chick has been getting books to review, and as she goes through them, she'll add a review to the page.

Sometimes, the 'chick will share the riches and give away her preview copy so be sure to check over there. You never know when there might be free goodies for you, Patient Reader.

(Wasn't the 'chick just complaining about all the reading she had to do for work? Why yes, she was. Call it a busman's holiday. Somehow, reading for fun is not work. And charts sure as hell ain't a copy of Tan Lines. If they were, people would be lining up to audit charts. Really. It was that hot.)