Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Stupid Cupid

It has been pointed out by Liz that I have not posted in two weeks. She's right. My life has been a heady whirl of work, laundry, dishes, driving, more laundry, more dishes, more driving, and more work. Very little knitting of the sock. Try not to be jealous.

Valentine's Day came and went while I was leaving the blog shamefully neglected.

I've found it's a lot easier to be all laid back and nonchalant about Valentine's Day when you're in a relationship.

I did my Valentine's Day gift shopping for Redneck on Feb. 13. Redneck did his Valentine's Day shopping for me on Feb. 14. In the afternoon. With Skaterboy.

I like to put some thought into the cards that I choose for people and I tend to buy the cards early so there will be a good selection. I had Redneck's card not too long after Christmas.

Redneck, on the other hand, also bought my card on Feb. 14.

When he got back to house on the Day O' Love, he sat out in the driveway, in the car, for about 10 minutes, signing the card and stuffing everything into a gift bag with wadded up tissue paper.

So, it's gift time.

I'm weird about opening gifts. And I'm definitely weird about opening Valentine's Day gifts with an audience.

Skaterboy was not having any of that mushy crap of Redneck and I opening gifts alone together later. There were presents. They have to be opened NOW.

Redneck opened and read his card with Skaterboy standing right next to him, reading along. Redneck opened his gift bag with Skaterboy almost snorting the tissue paper because he was so close. I was thankful that I didn't buy the "little-bit-risque" gift that I was considering in addition to the main gift of expensive cologne. Redneck might have been having that birds & bees talk sooner than he was planning.

Now all the attention was on me. (Did I mention that I hate that and I'm really weird about it?)

I opened the gift first since the card was stuffed at the bottom of the bag. Lindor truffles and diamond hoop earrings. Very nice.

I dug the card out from under wadded up tissue paper and opened it. It was like being in third grade all over again.

Because there, smiling up at me, wearing a pink and purple tutu, was a chimpanzee, dressed up like Cupid, holding a bow and arrow. The inside said: From your favorite pain in the butt.

I don't know that I've ever gotten a more romantic card in my life. Skaterboy then proudly announced that everything in my present had come from Walmart. Uh, a little too much information there, kid. Hush up. Because now I'm thinking that the receipt for the earrings and the card would also show a case of motor oil, some athletic socks, and maybe a bottle of Advil.

Last weekend, Redneck and I were over at my brother's house and somehow Valentine's Day came up. I said that I had gotten diamond earrings and described the card, and then said: "But I guess Skaterboy picked out the card."

Redneck, bless him, does not know how to quit when he's ahead.

"No, he picked out the earrings. I picked out the card."

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

A Day in the Life

I'm Tired. Tired-With-A-Capital-T. The kind of tired that makes the back of your neck ache a little and makes you wonder if it's too much trouble to breathe.

I would like to go home now, snuggle into my corner of the couch, and knit on my sock. (Knitting on a sock is simple - it's just round and round - no thinking involved. Mindless, for a vanilla sock with no texture.)

I would like to watch some decorating show on HGTV or something on BBC America and eat junk food and just relax. And knit on my sock.

I'm tired of working. I'm tired of typing (and yet, here I am - typing), I'm tired of solving problems and dealing with issues.

I would like to order a massive cheese pizza for dinner and have full-sugar Coke with it. And brownies afterward. With ice cream and maybe some hot fudge.

And then, I would like to put my pajamas on and Go. To. Bed.

And just sleep.

What will actually happen is - I will continue typing, solving problems, and dealing with issues. Then I will go home, deal with whatever is going on there, do some laundry or clean a bathroom, run some errands, do some more typing, deal with more issues and problems for work, and then be unable to fall asleep until it's almost time to get up again, at which point, I will say the hell with it and just stay up, after catching maybe 2 hours of sleep.

God, I need a vacation. Me and my sock.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Dear Craig,

I know that you don't know me (and to be honest, I don't know you either) but I felt like I needed to write to you to tell you a few things.

I found you online awhile ago and I would glance through your pages from time to time, flirting with 'Free' and peeking at 'Arts & Crafts'. I even got wild every once in awhile and had a long session with 'Help Wanted'.

But Craig, (I can call you Craig, can't I?) we need to have a talk.

It's one thing when you and I are flirting around, maybe seeing each other on the side from time to time.

It's another thing entirely when you completely seduce my boyfriend, Redneck, into spending all his spare time with you and your slut of a cousin, eBay. I didn't even know Redneck went that way.

Oh, it was all innocent in the beginning. You'd flash 'Free' at him or give him a little taste of 'Auto Parts' but that wasn't enough for you, was it? Before long, it was a full out obsession to get him to spend hours with the 'Cars for Sale' or 'Electronics'. And so, you'd show him a Chevy ZR2 at a low-cut price only to snatch it back at the last second. He'd pant around and click frantically but never managed to be the 'first email'.

I tried to be patient. I'd sit quietly, waiting for him to get done with you. I knew that eventually, he'd have to give up.

But you're a jealous beast. You knew when he was getting bored and ready to walk away, tired of your charms.

You showed him the Sony Trinitron 32" TV for $75. And let him be the "first". He actually got to bring the TV home.

It was like the merest taste of alcohol to an alcoholic. He was out of control.

He found another Sony Trinitron but this one had a flat screen. Not working, of course, but a low, low price. It was an easy win.

He rushed to pick it up and then carried it to the repair shop. He covered it in my old sheepskin jacket - to 'protect' it from the weather. Bullshit. The sun was out that day.

He wants to compare the picture on both of the TVs, side by side. To see which is 'better'.

I asked him what he was going to do with the TV he decided not to keep, since we didn't need two huge TVs.

He LOOKED RIGHT AT ME and said he was going to YOU. He's listing on YOU. Was 99.9% of his free time not enough for you? Must you take every last minute of it?

I begged Redneck not to start this torrid affair, to not let it get out of hand, that we did not have the storage space to start this madness, this buying and selling.

His eyes were glazed over though. I don't think he heard me.

Please, Craig. Please. Give him back to me. You don't love him like I do. You never did. You never will.