Dear Craig,

I know that you don't know me (and to be honest, I don't know you either) but I felt like I needed to write to you to tell you a few things.

I found you online awhile ago and I would glance through your pages from time to time, flirting with 'Free' and peeking at 'Arts & Crafts'. I even got wild every once in awhile and had a long session with 'Help Wanted'.

But Craig, (I can call you Craig, can't I?) we need to have a talk.

It's one thing when you and I are flirting around, maybe seeing each other on the side from time to time.

It's another thing entirely when you completely seduce my boyfriend, Redneck, into spending all his spare time with you and your slut of a cousin, eBay. I didn't even know Redneck went that way.

Oh, it was all innocent in the beginning. You'd flash 'Free' at him or give him a little taste of 'Auto Parts' but that wasn't enough for you, was it? Before long, it was a full out obsession to get him to spend hours with the 'Cars for Sale' or 'Electronics'. And so, you'd show him a Chevy ZR2 at a low-cut price only to snatch it back at the last second. He'd pant around and click frantically but never managed to be the 'first email'.

I tried to be patient. I'd sit quietly, waiting for him to get done with you. I knew that eventually, he'd have to give up.

But you're a jealous beast. You knew when he was getting bored and ready to walk away, tired of your charms.

You showed him the Sony Trinitron 32" TV for $75. And let him be the "first". He actually got to bring the TV home.

It was like the merest taste of alcohol to an alcoholic. He was out of control.

He found another Sony Trinitron but this one had a flat screen. Not working, of course, but a low, low price. It was an easy win.

He rushed to pick it up and then carried it to the repair shop. He covered it in my old sheepskin jacket - to 'protect' it from the weather. Bullshit. The sun was out that day.

He wants to compare the picture on both of the TVs, side by side. To see which is 'better'.

I asked him what he was going to do with the TV he decided not to keep, since we didn't need two huge TVs.

He LOOKED RIGHT AT ME and said he was going to YOU. He's listing on YOU. Was 99.9% of his free time not enough for you? Must you take every last minute of it?

I begged Redneck not to start this torrid affair, to not let it get out of hand, that we did not have the storage space to start this madness, this buying and selling.

His eyes were glazed over though. I don't think he heard me.

Please, Craig. Please. Give him back to me. You don't love him like I do. You never did. You never will.

Sincerely,
Roadchick