Saturday, November 11, 2006

That Warm, Warm Feeling

First of all - if you are a Veteran - thank you. Thank you for your sacrifices in serving your country. Thank you for keeping America free, safe, and strong. Thank you for defending our right to free speech. Thank you for fighting for democracy. The 'chick admires your dedication and bravery.

It's been an interesting week, y'all. The craziness at work continues on, pretty much unabated, but that's ok. It'll get better. The 'chick finally managed to get her head down and actually finish some things although heaven knows there is still a pile of work to be done. She hauled it home with her and it sits in the corner, mocking her. At some point, it will have to be dealt with - maybe a little later today.

The other night, a stop was made at the local CVS (a drug store if y'all don't have one nearby). As Roadchick and Rockboy wandered the aisles looking for saline solution for contact lenses, the 'chick saw a sign over one section that caused her to break into hysterics and nearly be evicted from the store. What did the sign say, you ask?

Warts & Lice

This was not too far from

Diarrhea & Gas

Y'all, who in the hell came up with these signs? There were not handwritten signs - these were cranked out in some sign factory expressly for the store. The 'chick was checking out the packages to see exactly how one would sell Warts & Lice if one were so inclined. And how to get them home without them escaping and going to some other lucky customer? And the packaging involved in selling diarrhea also boggles the mind. Is it the actual...product...or just the potential, in which case, is it spoiled Mexican food? What?

The Warts & Lice sign was so amusing that the 'chick took a picture of it with her work phone but since the powers-that-be at her job frown upon using company property to email such foolishness, she had to content herself in setting it as the wallpaper on the phone and leave it at that. If she can, without being arrested, she will try to go back with a regular camera and snap off a quick picture so it can be shared with everyone on the innernets.

It was a harbinger of things yet to come. Like Marley's ghosts.

Last night, the 'chick had to go pick up Rockboy from a friend's house. When she stepped inside, what did she see but a squirrel zooming around the living room like a tiny, crazed kamikaze. She sat down on the couch to wait for Rockboy & was immediately pounced on by the squirrel. It seems that the friend's family found the young squirrel on their sidewalk, apparently lost or injured or something, but too young to remain in the "wild" on its own.

The squirrel was evidently much amused by the 'chick and the possibilities for pouncing and climbing. He leaped from the back of the couch to the back of the Roadchick. Over and over and over again. And then a little more, for amusement. And then he discovered that he could run down her arms and hang upside down, like weird bracelets. This continued on for about 15 minutes. Y'all, it was cute for about the first 2 minutes. Then it was annoying and a little painful. The 'chick had never experienced accupuncture by squirrel before. Their little feet? Cute, little bitty feet? Have needles on the ends. Interspersed with razor blades. And then, it happpened. She had wondered....but really didn't think that it would happen. Of course it did.

The squirrel peed on Roadchick.

The warmth she was feeling? Nope, it wasn't from warm and fuzzy love for the animal kingdom. It was from squirrel pee, running down her back.

Lovely.

Luckily, squirrel bladder capacity is not a whole lot. The owner of the squirrel very kindly handed the 'chick a couple of napkins to blot it up. And then, the squirrel promptly tried to EAT the napkins which resulted in a fight over the slightly damp napkins. The 'chick, more than a little annoyed by now, solved the problem by stuffing the napkins between the couch cushions, out of sight. Happy f&%king holidays, squirrel owners!

On the ride home, the 'chick discovered another interesting thing about herself that she did not know. Apparently, she is ALLERGIC to squirrels. More specifically, squirrel scratches. By the time she made it home, she was running for the allergy medicine and antibiotic ointment to treat the now bleeding scratches that decorate her upper body like some weird tribal initiation. What Redneck is going to think about this, she does not know.

Y'all, if you don't hear from the 'chick in awhile, please send the vet. She will be dying of some weird, squirrel-borne infection. And possibly hoarding nuts.

3 comments:

briliantdonkey said...

Nuts hoarding nuts,,,,,,


I know I know,,,,,glass houses.........throwing stones.....yada yada yada

BD

Michael Thomas said...

The whole kamikaze thing had me envisioning the squirrel zooming around the room with Aviator's goggles and a Japanese rising sun bandanna wrapped around his little squirrely head. Thanks for the morning smile!

Michael

Brianne said...

I LOVE your story - the genuine stifled laughter disguised as coughing was just totally me at work.... ;)
Here's to hoping you haven't caught the squirrel plague.