Monday, June 09, 2008

Weekend Update

So, camping.

Redneck was in NO hurry to get to the campsite. Roadchick, however, was in a hurry to get to the campsite because, camping! fun! swimming! hot dogs! beer! But Redneck was all heat! humidity! blazing sunshine! bugs! In the end, Redneck won and after a massive shopping trip at Walmart, the Roadie crew finally made their way to the campsite around 6 pm.

When they got there, Redneck parked the truck down by the river and the Roadie crew got out and talked to everyone that had been there all day. After much chat, Redneck and Roadchick decided it was time to put up the tent. Since Roadchick doesn't have a lot of experience (any) putting up tents, she was the helper. The tarp was spread under the trees and Redneck laid out the tent. The poles were threaded through the channels and the tent rose from the ground. And sagged. Like an old woman's boobs. After much fiddling and a conference with other experienced campers, it was determined that the poles were not the correct poles for the tent. Another trip to Walmart was in order. Redneck brought back another tent and it went up without a hitch. He threw the air mattress inside and hooked up the little rechargeable pump to inflate the mattress. It worked like a charm - for 15 seconds, then promptly died and the mattress deflated. Redneck and Roadchick looked at each other and shrugged.

Skaterboy had a great time tubing in the river while Redneck and Roadchick had gone back to Walmart for the tent. By the time the new tent was set up, it was getting too dark to get in the river. Too dark, you ask? Yes. There are snakes in the river. Some poisonous, some not. While the 'chick is not afraid of snakes, she would like to see them coming. So, everyone hung around the campfire for a little while and then Redneck, Roadchick, and Cousin Too-Hottie went fishing. Redneck caught a couple of catfish that he released again. Too-Hottie caught hell from his girlfriend for fishing instead of smooching around the campfire with her. Roadchick caught a chill from sitting out in the damp after being overheated for half the day.

Back to the campfire for a few more hours until finally Roadchick decided it was time for bed. On the hard, hard ground. Skaterboy was woken up and dragged from his lounge chair by the fire and herded to the tent. He crawled inside on the left and promptly fell asleep again. (Oh, to be 10 again!) Redneck crawled inside and thought he was going to sleep on the right until Roadchick informed him that it was his son that kicked like a mule and she wasn't sleeping in the middle. Redneck grumbled but moved over, figuring that since there was no air mattress, he'd better smooth things over as best he could. Roadchick crawled inside and tried to get part of the sheet under her to cover the plastic (flat) air mattress and rolled up in a beach towel (damp) and snuggled against Redneck in the hopes of absorbing his body heat since he wasn't cold at all.

There was a lump under the 'chick. There were rocks under Redneck. And, as it turns out, there was part of a tree root (sticking up) under Skaterboy, but since he is a contortionist, he curled around it and it didn't bother him at all. The cows in the next pasture mooed around from time to time which was ok, in fact, kind of soothing. The crickets were chirping. The frogs were croaking. The cousin in the tent next door was snoring like a fucking freight train. If the 'chick had not been so tired, she would've gone over there and smothered him with a pillow.

It was a long, long night. Towards dawn, the 'chick could hear coyotes howling in the distance. When the coyotes would start up, the jackass (seriously, a jackass, not a cousin) would start braying. Then the birds woke up and started singing and that was when the 'chick decided enough was enough and got up. Redneck (who was also awake) asked where she was going. She told him that she was going anywhere that she didn't have to lay on the hard, hard ground rolled up in a damp towel.

It heats up quickly in Tennessee, especially on a gravel beach next to a river. Redneck had thought ahead and brought a camp coffee pot and made coffee for the 'chick, which was much appreciated. After a few hours, everyone else was up and moving and the Roadie crew started breaking down the tent and packing everything up again.

As a farewell gesture, Redneck drove his 4-wheel drive truck into the river. Not straight in - just a glancing blow, to shower everyone with water. As gestures go, it was spectacular. Until the truck sank into the mud of the riverbed. When Redneck opened the door on his side of the truck, the river promptly began to enter the truck. Roadchick and Skaterboy promptly bailed out on the other side and stood on the riverbank watching. After much macho fooling around by Redneck and the male cousins, the truck was pulled out by another truck with a tow chain.

And, since you have read this far, Patient Reader, you will be glad to know this: the 'chick peed outdoors and did not once have to wash her shoes in the river.

Disclaimer: the photo above, while amazingly accurate to the situation, does not contain any of the Roadie crew.


Susan said...

I am so proud of you. I would have bailed the moment the mattress f'd up.

Roadchick said...

Susan~ Redneck kept the truck keys.

fringes said...

You did good. Better woman than me!

Roadchick said...

Fringes~ Amazingly, what helped was that Redneck was just as bitchy as I was. It was pretty funny, actually. If you can ignore all the misery.

heather said...

YAY! you peed in the woods! good for you.
a suggestion though, next time pack the truck the night before and bring a metal rake so that you can smooth the ground out where the tent is going to go.
you did good for a novice. glad to hear everyone escaped without permanent damage.

(good to know there are some jackasses on your family tree too)

Roadchick said...

Heather~ Redneck has camping experience and he did use a weedeater on the spot before we spread the tarp. It's entirely possible that forest gnomes put the lumps, rocks, and roots there when we weren't looking.

Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

I was so disappointed that the picture wasn't "real"!

I'll have to keep these posts in mind when I get persuaded into camping in the future;>

Roadchick said...

Woo-woo~ No one - believe me - NO ONE would want to see what we actually looked like after camping in 94 degree heat. And thank God there is no Smell-o-vision.

heather said...

and he ~still~ didn't pack beforehand? wow.

maybe not the gnomes though. i think stuff like that is the sprites job. i'll have to check with cheeks in the morning. she's good for knowing stuff like that. :-)

Roadchick said...

Heather~ thank God for Cheeks. Because we REALLY need to know in order to bring the proper offerings next time.

heather said...

lol, she said to watch out for mushroom circles. apparently thats a sign that sprites live nearby. and they like gumdrops.

funny thing, so does she. do you think she's making stuff up as she goes???