The Urge to Merge

And just like that (snaps her fingers) the dark, evil mood lifted.

How, you ask?

On the 'chick's drive into work, part of the drive takes place on a 2-lane road which widens out to a 4-lane road over an interstate interchange, then narrows back down to a 2-lane road again.

The left lane continues, the right lane ends.

The right lane is marked with signs and large arrows on the pavement pointing left to indicate that THIS LANE ENDS, YOU MUST MERGE.

The 'chick is a lazy driver and just stays in the left lane. It's easier that way. No troublesome merging to contend with, especially before the caffeine fully hits her system.

The 'chick was cruising along, humming with the radio, pondering the day ahead just as the lanes widened out. The 'chick stays to the left, as always. The car behind the 'chick swings right and accelerates slightly. And draws even with the 'chick's car.

The 'chick was a reasonable distance behind the car in front of her but still too close for another car to squeeze in. The 'chick is wondering when the dude to the right is going to speed up or slow down, because the end of the right lane is fast approaching. Dude neither speeds up nor slows down.

By now, the 'chick is taking a more active interest in these proceedings as the right lane is ending RIGHT NOW and dude is under the impression that the laws of physics are going to bend to his will and allow two objects to occupy the same space at the same time.

Dude has not bargained on Roadchick.

Roadchick is in NO mood for this kind of bullshit so early on a Monday morning.

Roadchick gently taps her horn with both hands and motions that there is ample room behind her car, since she is NOT letting anyone get over from the right lane into the left. No cutting in line, thankyouverymuch.

Dude honks back and makes a rude gesture, and indicates he intends to get over in front of Roadchick.

Again, Dude has not bargained on Roadchick and the intensity of her mood over the past few days.

Roadchick maintains her lane and Dude has to decide: is he feeling lucky?

Roadchick offers Dude a friendly gesture (which she hasn't done while driving in at least 7 years) and reminds him once more - there is ample room behind Payback, but not in front. The end of the line is back there.

Dude decided he was NOT feeling lucky and got into the lane BEHIND the 'chick.

Right about that time, the evil bubble burst and the 'chick started grinning and slipped the Kid Rock into the CD player.

Life is sweet, ain't it?

The Answer

According to Pacian, duct taping lobsters to one's hands and then persuading them to perform everyday activities is the answer to disgruntlement.

Maybe, maybe not.

But, the picture from Pacian made the 'chick laugh her ass off so evidently, it may be a valid solution. Especially after noticing the little tea cup and saucer in the lobster's claw.

Disgruntled

Image shamelessly stolen from despair.com. Go there. Look around. Be amused. Buy something.

Anyway. The 'chick is in a mood. Where it came from, she does not know. It's almost like wicked PMS, but it's not that - the calendar says it's not.

Everything is annoying as hell. People are not falling into line with plans, needs, wants.

Now, in all honesty, everyone (with the exception of the 'chick) is acting the same way that they always do. There is no new behavior taking place. No change in attitudes, actions, anything at all.

But, damn it, these people are just getting on the 'chick's last nerve. And dancing.

The 'chick has a bad case of "Oh, poor baby" syndrome, where she is feeling much put upon and taken for granted.

Someone - anyone - please do something amusing to help break this mood.

Or else.

Hug 'Em Tight

Sometimes it takes an almost literal smack over the head to make you appreciate what you have.


Crazy Aunt Purl lost one of her kitties and wrote an amazing tribute/memorial to her friend, Roy.

The 'chick is not one for bawling in public but reading that post caused the 'chick to unashamedly bawl at her desk at work.

Go home today and hug the ones that you hold dear.

Speedbump had her stuffins squeezed out of her and thinks the 'chick is slightly insane, but oddly - she tolerated it, almost as if she knew.

Rest in Peace, Roy, from Roadchick and Speedbump.

Down At The Station

It's hard to top Mist's post about her 4th of July, but after a series of emails, the 'chick has decided to tell the tale of how she spent the Glorious 4th.

Because Redneck has connections, he was able to park behind the bus station in Nashville. In the restricted lot. Unauthorized cars will be towed at the owner's expense. Redneck, Roadchick, and Best Friend got out and headed inside the station for beverages.

After hitting the gift shop, everyone headed to the snack bar for their beverage of choice. The bus station has a Slush Puppy machine so the 'chick got a cherry slush and spiked it with the vodka she had tucked in her purse for just this sort of emergency.

After settling comfortably in the back of someone's pickup truck (whose was it? we don't know) the festivities could begin. Lots of new friends were made as they waited for their buses to come in from all over America. Friends were lost as they boarded their buses and headed to their Final Destinations.

Best Friend made a special friend. A rather strange man offered to pay her to poop in a bag for him. She declined his offer and told him she was constipated.

Sitting in the restricted lot offers other amusements too. The security guards were busy watching the lot and calling tow trucks to come get the cars that were not authorized to be there. As time went by and the slush level dipped lower, Roadchick and Best Friend decided to help the guards out by pointing out the offending vehicles. After all, how dare they park in OUR lot? The flashing lights of the tow trucks competed with the fireworks that lit up the Nashville skyline.

This 4th of July rates as one of the oddest ones that the 'chick has ever spent. It made the 'chick sorry that she had touched up her roots earlier in the day - she would've blended in much better if she had left them alone.

And how was YOUR 4th of July???

Independence!

Maybe Kid Rock said it best:

Red, white, and blue down to the bone
If you don't like that, then take your punk ass home.

Thanks to ALL the soldiers: past, present, and future for giving up so much so that we can have so much.

The 'chick is humbled by the sacrifice and she is so grateful.

Stay safe & have fun. The 'chick will be over here by the Roman candles.

Truer Words Were Never Spoken. . .

Seen at the Demolition Derby.

Rated

Mingle² - Online Dating

Danger Will Robinson!

The 'chick is not exactly sure which brother came up with the bright idea that Mom needed a computer. Roadchick's mom is not exactly tech savvy and not much of an adventurer. But, she wanted to feel like she was a part of the 21st century and so, a computer was selected and purchased.

Actually, several computers were selected and purchased and returned or sold.

The cycle began about two years ago. Roadchick's mom decided she needed a laptop. So she could be "on the line". Yeah.

Roadchick, being a dutiful daughter, took Mom shopping for a laptop. Mom could afford a computer capable of launching the Space Shuttle. The laptop she picked out was so sweet that it made the 'chick weep with envy but also brought a ray of hope to her blackened heart, thinking Mom would soon tire of this new activity and the 'chick would be on the receiving end of some very sweet technology.

A week went by. Mom called. She was ready, she announced, to take the laptop out of the box.

What the fuck?

If Roadchick had bought that computer, it would've been out of the box before she ever made it across the parking lot to the car.

Roadchick went over to Mom's house and prepared to Set Up The Computer.

A sharp knife was on hand to slice the security tape sealing the box. She was poised, ready to cut.

WAIT!

Maybe this wasn't a good idea - after all, so many years without a computer, why start now?

She returned the laptop to the store and there was a vast and grateful silence across the countryside.

About six months ago, the computer virus (because it has to be something that causes relapses) reared its ugly head again. This time, Mom went to the brothers.

Eldest brother guided her through the selection process and again, a sweet laptop was purchased and delivered. A wireless mouse. Internet service from the cable company was ordered and installed. She got a wireless router, for God's sake.

Mom played with it for about a week, then decided it was not for her.

For the love . . .

The laptop was sold to a business associate of elder brother.

An E-Machine was selected and purchased. Eldest brother was once again enlisted in the set-up. Middle brother's mad computer skillz were also called into play. Everything was ready to go.

Except.

Except they didn't finish the install of Microsoft Word.

Except they didn't teach her how to open an email attachment.

Except they didn't teach her how to REPLY to an email.

Except one of them, curse his blackened soul, told her that if she ever saw a yellow triangle with an exclamation point in it, it was a PROBLEM that MUST BE DEALT WITH RIGHT AWAY BEFORE THE NUCLEAR WEAPONS COULD LAUNCH AND BRING ANNIHILATION UPON ALL MANKIND.

Except they didn't tell her to call them for technical assistance.

The call came at 4:00 this afternoon, just as the 'chick was settling into the hot, hot car after a long day at work.

The Yellow Triangle Of Doom had reared its ugly head and the 'chick must come fix it RIGHT AWAY.

Never mind that the 'chick had other activities planned.

So . . . the triangle?

It was telling her that it was time to run a virus scan.

Rest easy.

The Free World is safe.

Until next week, when it's time to scan again.

This Is The Way We Wash Our Clothes

Sometimes, the 'chick likes to be shocking. To throw something out there that no one was expecting. Redneck got a dose of this little personality quirk recently.

Since the 'chick has been so busy for work and on the road so much, her personal laundry got a little neglected. That is why women should have large wardrobes with lots of clothing options. The 'chick has worn a different outfit every day for several weeks and not repeated anything twice. This includes a very LARGE dresser drawer full of bras and panties. Enough so that the 'chick never had to resort to wearing her Christmas panties in June because everything else was in the hamper.

Hamper? Who are we kidding? The laundry overflowed the hamper about two weeks ago and has since spread across the closet (walk-in, fortunately) like a slowly growing ground cover.

So, time to do the laundry.

Redneck was kicked back on the bed, watching a movie when the 'chick decided it was time to face the situation - that no one was going to take a hint and do her laundry. He wasn't paying much attention to what was going on at first, being totally absorbed in cars and buildings blowing up and aliens and half-clad women prancing across the screen, but eventually, he looked over to see what was going on.

The 'chick was sorting laundry into piles.

Jeans and dark clothes - check.
White t-shirts and tops - check.
Clothing that required some sort of special attention - check.

All this looked pretty normal to Redneck.

Then his gaze wandered to another pile.

"What's all that?"

"Panties and bras."

"But there is enough for two loads there."

"Yeah - so?"

"Don't you think that you might have a problem?"

"You know that the 'chick hasn't been home to do the laundry."

"No, that's not what I mean. What I mean is - you haven't done laundry in a long time. You have not worn anything twice. And there are still bras and panties in the dresser."

Blank look from Roadchick.

Silence from Roadchick.

"'Chick, there are very few people in the world that keep a three month supply of bras and panties on hand for emergencies."

"Then that explains the smell on airplanes, doesn't it?"

An Open Letter

Dear Swimwear Designer,

First of all, please accept our thanks for discovering the wonderful world of the "tankini". It makes good sense to allow women everywhere to choose the correct size for both top and bottom. This is a good thing.

So, please, don't take it the wrong way when we point out that, for some of us, the ones that Mother Nature has been . . . generous with . . .the cute, adorable suits do not quite fit, exactly. The bottoms are great - couldn't be better. The problem is with the tops.

The tops. Where to begin?

See, Swimwear Designer, some of us actually have breasts, boobs, casaba melons - whatever term gets your heart racing. And sometimes, our bodies are not really in proportion. (Think Pamela Anderson. Think Anna Nicole Smith. Think Dolly Parton.)

And when our bodies are not in proportion, we have a problem finding swimwear if we cannot afford to have our own swimwear designer available to whip up custom sized pieces.

In order to find tops that fit and cover more than a bandaid, we have to look at the misses' and women's sizes. Now, please, sit down for this next part - who in the hell told you that larger women (no matter WHY they are larger) actually like wild purple floral prints that look like Grandma on acid? Whoever led you astray should be shot. Honey, no one looks good in that shit.

Is there a particular reason that you, Swimwear Designer, think that women who need a little more coverage can't have the cute styles and patterns too? Is there a reason that you cannot just extend the style all the way up the size range?

Let the 'chick give you an example.

There was an adorable white eyelet tankini. The bottoms were fabulous. The top, well, not so good. Maybe as a bandana to hold back her hair. As a swim top suitable for public wear? Uh uh, nope, no way.

Your assistance would be greatly appreciated by women everywhere.

Sincerely,

Roadchick

Midsummer's Night Dream

June 21st marks the summer solstice. For people living in the Northern Hemisphere, it is the day with the longest span of daylight. Starting tomorrow, daylight will begin to shorten bit by bit and it will start getting darker earlier.

"Just for fun, my family invented a religion like the Shakers we called Stillwater. I'm eldress, and we have a big celebration on Midsummer's Eve. It's really a state of mind. Stillwater connotes something very peaceful, you see, life without stress. Nowadays, people are so jeezled up. If they took some chamomile tea and spent more time rocking on the porch in the evening listening to the song of the hermit thrust, they might enjoy life more.

Stillwater believers are very hedonistic. Life is to be enjoyed, not saddled with. Do you know that lovely quotation from Fra Giovanni? He was an old monk from away back who wrote to his patron, 'The gloom of the world is but a shadow: behind it, yet within our reach, is joy. Take joy.' That's the first commandment of the Stillwater religion. Joy is there for the taking."

~ Tasha Tudor, from The Private World of Tasha Tudor

In honor of the day, following the grand traditions of a variety of spiritual beliefs worldwide ~ Pagan, Catholic, Stillwater, and others. . . the 'chick is going to take a break tonight, sit on the deck, enjoy the evening, and relax.

Take joy.

Roughin' It

Are we there yet?

Y'all, that is what the trip to Gatlinburg and the trip back from Gatlinburg was like for the 'chick.

It's been a LOOOOONG time since she's had to travel with a nine-year-old boy.

It's funny how easy it is to forget that boys are never quiet and never still. They are difficult to amuse for less than $9 kazillion dollars a day. They always want to eat. They don't want to visit "Sites Of Interest". They want to race go-karts.

(Actually, Roadchick wanted to race go-karts too, so she can't say too much about that one.)

The "family" trip to Gatlinburg included a free place to stay - Best Friend's husband works in Knoxville during the week and offered to let the Roadie Crew use his apartment over the weekend. Being a typical man, away from the tender loving care of his wife, his apartment contained the following:

Navy blue leather recliner, used
TV tray
End table
TV on end table
Stereo (on floor)
DVD/VCR combo (on floor)
6000 VHS movies (on floor)
4 DVD movies (on floor)
Air mattress
3 plastic food storage containers
3 plastic glasses
Jello pudding snacks
Hot dogs
3 towels
Bar of soap
Toilet paper, 1-ply

But, it was free and it was quiet and more than adequate for the 'chick's purposes. She did not go to the mountains to sit in an apartment. And it was free. And close to a Hooter's (which was probably a big selling point to Best Friend's husband).

Unfortunately, all fun things must come to an end and the 'chick had to return to work. And that's exactly what it's been - work. A LOT of work. The 'chick hasn't seen the inside of her Nashville office in what seems like weeks and there's no telling when it will get better.

Good news is, the 'chick has entered the 21st century. Her lovely, wonderful bosses bought her a new laptop that has wireless. Amazing. Amazing technology. It's wonderful. Wonderfully amazing.

The 'chick's neighbors would likely be amazed to know that the 'chick's new laptop picks up their wireless signal when she is at home, perched on her bed, trying to finish up notes and reports. Makes life wonderfully simple, really.

It's nice to have good neighbors.

Overheard

Redneck, Roadchick, and the boys went to Gatlinburg last weekend.

Overheard from the back seat:

Skaterboy (age 9): I want a tattoo.

Rockboy (age 17): Of what?

Skaterboy: A naked lady.

Rockboy: Where are you going to put it?

Skaterboy: On my muscle.

Rockboy: Well, when you get a muscle, we'll get you a tattoo.

Word Up

Roadchick -- [adjective]: Sexually stunning 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Road Food

Heather tagged the 'chick for the local food meme, and since it was easier than coming up with an entry on her own, the 'chick is playing along.

1. Add a direct link to your post below the name of the person who tagged you. Include the city/state and country you’re in.
Nicole (Sydney, Australia)
velverse (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia)
LB (San Giovanni in Marignano, Italy)
Selba (Jakarta, Indonesia)
Olivia (London, England)
ML (Utah, USA)
Lotus (Toronto, Canada)
tanabata (Saitama, Japan)
Andi (Dallas [ish], Texas, United States)
Todd (Louisville, Kentucky, United States)
miss kendra (los angeles, california, u.s.a)
Jiggs Casey (Berkeley, CA, USA! USA! USA!)
Tits McGee (New England, USA)
Kat (Ontario, Canada)
Cheezy (London, England)
Paula (Orange County, California, U.S.)
Jeff (Colorado, USA)
Fringes (around Houston, US)
Tera (Somewhere In KY by way of OH, USA)
heather (upstate new york, usa)
Roadchick (Nashville, TN, USA)

2. List your top five local eating places.

1. Waffle House. At least once per weekend. Open 24 hrs. No additional charge for the floor show.

2. River View Restaurant & Marina (no link available). Located on the Cumberland River in Ashland City, TN, this place serves some of the best catfish the 'chick has ever eaten. Their marina is also where the river tour boat docks for a 90 minute sightseeing cruise of the Cumberland River. Good times, y'all.

3. Sitar. The BEST Indian restaurant in Nashville. The chicken tikka masala makes the 'chick weep with gratitude. The firni (flavored custard milk pudding with pistachios and almonds) and kheer (rice pudding flavored with cardamom) is the perfect ending to a blazing hot meal.

4. Olive Garden. Yeah, it's a chain. But when you're needing some Italian comfort food, there's nothing better. The salad and breadsticks are delicious. It's a carb-fest and the 'chick is not ashamed, damn it!

5. Frank's Hamburger (no link available). Located in Clarksville, TN, Frank's was knocked flat during a tornado that hit downtown Clarksville. Frank was discovered by rescue teams still in the destroyed restaurant, sitting on a box, drinking a cup of coffee. Local business owners could not contemplate a world without Frank's and donated the money to rebuild. This is possibly one of the best cheeseburgers ever. Nothing fancy here - sit at the counter, order, eat, and get the hell out because the doors close at 2 p.m. But it's a tradition, and you should partake of traditions whenever you can.

The 'chick is not going to tag anyone, but if you're interested in joining the herd, feel free. Let the 'chick know in comments so she can come check out where YOU like to eat.

Shameful!

Darlings, Auntie Roadchick has been neglecting you and she knows it. She has the shame and embarrassment over her lack of communication. Of course she has wonderful reasons for her absence, but the truth of the matter is - the 'chick has sucked lately at keeping her little corner of Blogistan updated and current.

To those that have wondered - yes, Rockboy is alive and well and even manages to escape his closet from time to time. He took Girlfriend to the prom a couple of weekends ago and footed the bill for the whole excursion. The 'chick took him to pick up his tux at the rental place and he went into the cubicle to try it on. Apparently the person that measured him had just come back from his afternoon crack break because the pants were three inches too small in the waist. This led the tux man to inform the 'chick that new pants could be delivered but it would be late in the afternoon before they arrived. Needless to say, the 'chick did not accept this news very well. Not very well at all. And led to discussions (somewhat heated on the 'chick's part) regarding time factors and discounts and just generally losing her rabbit-ass mind in full view of the tuxedo-renting public. Redneck had wisely decided to just stay at home and have a nap while the 'chick ran this little errand. He was torn between being glad he missed it and hating the fact that he missed it. He should know by now - nap in the car. You never know what might happen.

Redneck took the 'chick to the Renaissance Festival last weekend and a good time was had by all. The 'chick is not one to dress up in a costume, mainly because she is too cheap to buy one - a gorgeous little number was for sale - for $568.00. Shoes not included. But there was shopping and eating and watching the entertainers and talking to different people and taking pictures (still in the camera) and betting on the joust. Fun times.

Always several weeks behind the times, (writing about the Ren Fest reminded her) - wasn't it so cool that the Queen of England was at the Kentucky Derby? Kid Rock was also at the Kentucky Derby. Roadchick plans on being at the Kentucky Derby next year.

The Job has been absolutely insane. Off-the-chain crazy. People getting fired, people quitting, people getting pregnant and planning maternity leaves (no, not the 'chick although it looks like that might be the ONLY way she is going to GET a vacation this year) . . . so far this month, the 'chick has driven approximately 4 gazillion miles between three different offices.

And, on the homefront, there is something very seriously wrong.

If you eating, you may want to skip this part.

The 'chick has been doing Spring Cleaning.

Why? There is no good answer for that. Possibly in preparation to paint the walls some other color than "Resale White". The 'chick and Rockboy have lived in this house for 6 years. It's time to paint.

The painter man came over on Tuesday to give the 'chick an estimate on painting the living room and front hallway. The living room has 14 foot ceilings that the 'chick can't reach which is why she wants someone with tall ladders to do it.

The cost?

$900.00 and three days.

After picking her jaw up off the floor, the 'chick declined. It does NOT take three days. After the first day, the other two days will be spent watching cable and checking out what's in the fridge, freezer, pantry, and the 'chick's "special" drawer. And for $900.00, there had better be a hot dinner on the table when the 'chick gets home.

And it better be served by someone a whole lot more attractive than painter man.

Manic Monday

The Universe is trying the 'chick's patience today.

Things that shouldn't be that big of a deal are causing the 'chick to grit her teeth and take many, many deep breaths to clear the red fog of rage that is threatening to erupt and kill the Stupid Ones.

The State requested information to follow up on some things found during a routine review of a client's chart. This is a standard happening and not a big deal. The 'chick responded, because that is her job.

One issue that was raised regarded hearing loss.

An extensive, sedated hearing test was performed. Diagnosis? Neural hearing loss. No response to stimuli.

The State, in its infinite wisdom, emailed the 'chick back.

"Does this mean that nothing can be done?"

The 'chick's imagined response: Nothing can be done unless the Lord Jesus comes down from heaven and lays hands upon the client. He is deaf. As the previous response very clearly stated.

The 'chick's real response was nicer and kinder and involved a lot of technical jargon.

The 'chick's imagined response was much more direct and to-the-point.

Idiots, just lookin' for death.

Fiddlin' on a Friday

Sorry about the over-lappage on the sidebar, but the snow leopard is so seriously tough that the 'chick decided to leave it alone.

You can click on the picture and it will take you to the movie's website where you can discover your own daemon. The 'chick didn't know anything at all about this movie until she clicked on someone else's daemon, but now she is ridiculously excited that this movie is coming out in December.

Still busy as hell for work.

Still exhausted and so, so glad it's Friday.

Rockboy's prom is tomorrow so there will be festivities for the prom-going couple. He rented a tux (with his OWN money) and bought girlfriend a corsage (with his OWN money).

Roadchick and Redneck are hoping for a quiet weekend, hopefully spent watching movies and just relaxing for awhile. Oh wait - that falls into the BORING category, but to be honest, boring is all that the 'chick has energy for right now. It's entirely possible that a med adjustment is needed because the last time she was this tired, it turned out her thyroid was out of whack and she needed to start taking some meds. Well, that kind of fell into the TMI category, didn't it?

Here's hoping you have a fabulous weekend, no matter what you choose to do.

Typhoid Michael

Michael, over at
Cardiac Fantasies, has come down with pneumonia. Pneumonia good enough to land him in the hospital for a little vacation.

Y'all send him a little love & good wishes.

Michael, if they break out the "good" drugs, you'd better call the 'chick.

Or else.