Friday, January 26, 2007

Praise the Lord

And pass the ammunition!

Well, y'all, the 'chick has returned to the land of the living. Thanks so much for all the good wishes.

Now, to prove the theory that no good deed goes unpunished - Redneck is sick. Bless his little heart. The 'chick left him tucked up in bed, phone close at hand, with a cat standing guard.

Actually, the 'chick has been feeling better for a couple of days but work has been absolutely crazy. The 'chick has been on the road, visiting other offices, doing visits, training a new employee, and trying to get some of her own work done. (Getting her own work done = posting something to the blog before everyone thought the 'chick was dead.)

Join Roadchick in the story corner, boys and girls. It's been awhile, hasn't it?

Bice did a post the other day about "Odd Time Religion" and it brought to mind this little story.

A few years ago, Roadchick was invited to attend a church service at a little church up in the hills. Although not a regular church-goer, the 'chick has attended from time to time - just not at this church.

It sounded pleasant enough, so Roadchick accepted.

On Sunday morning, Roadchick put on her Sunday best and presented herself at the church at the appointed hour. Her friends joined her and they all went in together.

The service was moving along nicely - a few hymns were hammered out on the out-of-tune piano - and the congregation boldly sang along. Roadchick chose to lip-synch since she didn't actually KNOW the words (or the tune). (A side-note: Hymns are vastly different depending on which denomination you attend. Catholic hymns are NOT Baptist hymns - not by a long shot.)

After a few announcements (Pancake breakfast, annual parish turkey shoot), the congregation settled in for the sermon.

Brother R.D. did not disappoint.

He commenced with the praying, hands in the air, speaking to his personal Savior. Apparently, it was a good connection and the Savior was answering.

Brother R.D.: Lawd...we're a sinful bunch...sinful....mean....hateful

Brother R.D.: Lawd....You're right...we don't deserve Your goodness...Your mercy....

Brother R.D.: ..........(long pause)..............

Brother R.D.: Lawd, You're RIGHT! (hands high in the air) We must REPENT! REPENT AND BE SAVED! FOR AMONGST US, THERE IS A ......FORNICATOR. AND A DRUNKARD! COVETING THY NEIGHBOR'S ASS!

Y'all, no one moved. No one breathed. No one blinked. We didn't dare. We all knew it was us and any movement would've been an admission of guilt. Roadchick was struggling to keep from bursting into hysterical laughter.

But, just like in that Christmas song, Cousin David knew just what to do. Well, not actually the 'chick's Cousin David...but it was a guy named David....anyway.

David apparently took all of this to heart and there was not forgiveness or contrition in his heart. It's possible that a crushing hangover clouded his decision, but the 'chick is not judging.

David left his seat and headed up the aisle. As he walked, he reached into his jacket pocket (camouflage) and pulled out an enormous hunting knife. When he reached the pulpit, he almost casually put the knife to Brother R.D.'s throat and informed him in a very matter-of-fact voice that he, personally, didn't appreciate his faults and short-comings being brought before the congregation by Brother R.D. when, after all, his sins were his to confess or not, as he chose.

As David gently instructed Brother R.D. on the error of his ways, the little ridgetop church slowly began to empty...one seat at a time. From the back. As quietly as possible. So as to not disturb David. Or Brother R.D.

After a few minutes, David's brother slowly approached the pulpit and began talking to David like nothing had happened. Told him that he always had admired that hunting knife, and where did David say that it had come from again? Would David mind if he just had a look at it for a minute. . . he wanted to see if it would fit in the sheath on the side of his boot.

Amazingly, David handed the knife over, and crisis was averted. No one was hurt (which was a good thing).
Brother R.D. was oddly subdued for a long time after that, people say.
Roadchick would not know. She never returned there.

That Old Time Religion can be a killer.

12 comments:

Michael Thomas said...

AMEN, Brother, let me hear ya say AMEN!

heather said...

well, that's one way to keep the sermon short! good grief, i knew fast food joints and the post office could be dangerous but i always thought i was safe in church. great post and great to have you back.

Killer said...

I would actually go that church. More churches should be so action packed.

Pacian said...

I certainly covet my neighbour's ass. If you know a better animal for pulling carts, I'd like to hear it!

Bice said...

Just a quick note to let you know that due to changes off-line I am not going to have the time to blog like I used to and Mi.Minutia has gone on hiatus. I just wanted to stop by with a personal goodbye (beyond the one I just posted at MiMinutia). I enjoyed getting to know you and reading your site. Thanks for reading mine. Maybe, if and when things ease up off-line, I'll see you again someday. Until then...

mist1 said...

I would go to church if it was more exciting. Please email me the topic of next Sunday's sermon. Now I have to plan which kind of weapon goes best with my shoes.

heather said...

mist, if you brig an uzi i can promise you that no one will give a rat's patootie about your shoes ;-)

tinker said...

"Holy smoke," the preacher shouted, "The church is on fire!"
Who knew church could be such an action-packed adventure.

Glad you're feeling better.

Susan said...

AMEN!!!

Well, it was requested above.

I used to go to a church identified as a "holy roller" church. It made things interesting.

fringes said...

Wow. What story. Good thing it wasn't an AK-47. Being sprayed by bullets meant for someone else is never a good thing.

Kim G. said...

OK - that was the perfect way to start my morning! A good laugh! Now I'm off to Bible Study this morning (seriously) and I think I'll add a bullet proof vest and can of pepper spray to my ensemble. :)

Roadchick said...

Michael~ Sing it out, Brother.

Heather~ It's entirely possible that David was a postal employee.

Killer~ Amazingly, it closed shortly after "The Incident".

Pacian~ That coveting will get you every time!

Bice~ Man - you'll be missed. Hope you come back soon.

Mist~ Stilettos: shoes AND weapon. Always.

Tinks~ It was more adventure than the 'chick bargained on. And that's saying something.

Susan~ Roller skating in church can be fun.

Fringes~ Especially before the coffee and donut time after the service. No one should die without a Krispy Kreme.

Kim~ The 'chick heard that you can get Kevlar-covered Bibles now.