Friday, February 23, 2007

Venus Speaks:

Gentlemen, the ladies have spoken. The illustrious panel consists of Mist 1, Ariel, Heather, and the 'chick.

Here's what you said you wanted to know:

Preference - little foreplay with long period of intercourse, or foreplay to orgasm with shorter period of intercourse following?

Roadchick says: Yes. To either one. As long as it's mutually satisfying. And frequent.

Mist says: Yes. Thank you. Can we do it again later?

Ariel says: It matters on the guy to me. If it's someone I barely know then foreplay to orgasm minus the intercourse all together. I, personally, think intercourse is a more personal interaction between two people.

Heather says: switch it up some. sex gets boring if it's predictable. if you aren't fluent in her body language use english. ask her in an appropriate manner though. standing at the end of the bed with your pants around your ankles saying, 'so which do you want more of, intercourse or foreplay?' will probably end up with you getting no action at all. start with the foreplay and take your cues from her, asking would you like me to continue (fill in the blank) or would you like me to (fill in the blank) is fairly foolproof. better yet, lots of both! unless of course you're gonna be late for work or the kids are banging on the door trying to get in. ;-)

Unless you actually like to fight, why is it that you all will keep doing a thing again and again, knowing that it has provoked a fight every single time in the past, and therefore knowing full well that it's going to cause a fight again?

Roadchick says: That's kind of difficult to answer since of course the 'chick would never do anything to intentionally annoy someone. Her sister-in-law, however, routinely does something to the 'chick's brother that cracks her the hell up. Roadchick's brother keeps a bottle of water in the fridge. It is his bottle, he fills it up, and he drinks directly from the bottle. It's his bottle. Sister-in-law routinely moves it to the back of the fridge, hidden behind the milk or juice or something. When Brother accused her of doing it deliberately, she told him that, yes, indeed, she did move it, just to piss him off. Maybe it's just payback for something that you keep doing over and over again, knowing that it will annoy the female in your life.

Mist says: I'm very good at fighting. I don't like to to fight, but if you will play along, I am usually up for an opportunity to demonstrate the proper technique for storming out of a room angrily, the Silent Treatment, drinking the last beer to spite you, and other passive aggressive behaviors. However, I don't think this question is about fighting. This question really addresses what happens when you settle into a relationship. At first, all those little quirks were cute. You even encouraged them. Now, they drive you nuts. Really, I don't understand why you continue to let those things bother you. If you know they are going to create a fight, why don't you just build up a tolerance to those things?

Ariel says: I think both sexes do this—sometimes it's accidental. Sometimes I know it'll piss you off and I'll do it purely for spite.

Heather says: j and i have this problem too. we both do things that annoy the piss out of the other. i can't speak for him but on my part it's usually that i'm not thinking of him specifically when i'm doing whatever it is. by the time i realise what i've done it's too late. however if you're talking major things, like maxing out the credit cards on unnecessary purchases remember this. fighting about something is not the same as resolving an issue. until you two have had a calm and rational discussion about it and come to a decision you can both live with you will both feel like you're in the right and the same thing will happen over and over again. compromise has to be a factor in every relationship, be it a friendship, business, or a marriage. the trick is to find that middle road and stay on it.

Most of you seem to want to go out with nice guys. Why do you then so often end up with the A$$holes? And when you find a nice one, you end up taking advantage and taking them for granted because they're not A$$holes and you know you can get away with it. What is up with that?

Roadchick says: Sometimes, we want a Bad Boy. Sometimes we want you to quit being quite so nice and do something a little shocking or exciting. Sometimes we want you to slay dragons for us. And sometimes, we want to see how far we can push you before you will finally push back. Women like to know that their man is strong and secure. Let yourself be pushed around a little too often by the woman in your life and you'll regret it because then she can't respect you. And she wants to be able to respect you. She also wants to know that you'll kick somebody's ass if he messes with her.
The other thing is - just like girls know when another girl is a bitch? Y'all know if a guy is an asshole. Sometimes, the girls can't tell that they're actually dating an Asshole. That's when the Men Friends in her life need to step in and tell her, in detail if necessary, that she's dating an Asshole in Disguise.

Mist says: Are you a nice guy? Are you sure about that? Do you have a friend or brother who's an a$$hole? Have him call me. I'm not sure that I believe in the nice guy/a$$hole theory. I think that it's a convenient excuse. Also, I think we're all a$$holes in our own way, it just takes a special someone to bring it out of us.

Ariel says: I should know exactly what to say to this question because I typically fall for the assholes. Personally I think it's because I used to think I could change/save the guy from himself and his asshole ways. He was a challenge—I would mold him into what I wanted him to be with time and lots of force. Most of the nice guys I meet are so nice that it comes off as fake after being with the assholes.

Heather says: i call it the fix him syndrome. 'i know he could be a good man, he just needs some help getting there.' which then becomes 'he's such a good guy, i don't deserve him. he doesn't see it yet but he will and then he'll start treating me like dirt.' as a measure of self protection she decides to get a head start. none of this is done consciously, rather on a subconsciouses level. on the other hand though some women are just bitches and don't care how they treat people.

Why can't yall just say what you mean? For example:
me: whats wrong?
her: A)nothing, B)I don't want to talk about it
me: okay.
(a week, two, or 12 passes)
during a totally completely unrelated minor argument....
her: "well you COULD have found out what was bothering me that time 6 weeks ago but you took my 'nothing' and 'I don't want to talk about it' as meaning nothing and I don't want to talk about it. Now you must die you insensitive prick!"

Roadchick says: The 'chick does NOT do that. She's probably a little more direct with her feelings that some are comfortable with. However, the ladies that do this are subconsciously probing to see how "in tune" you are with them. Can you tell what is wrong? Why not? It' obvious, isn't it. (No, of course it's not.) Roadchick's mom is an offender in this area. The best way to gently re-train this behavior is to continue to do exactly what you're doing - ignore it, don't reward it, and don't play into the argument later down the road. It's painful, but it does work.

Mist says: I don't understand this question. I don't have the ability to hold my tongue. If there is an irritant, everyone must know. I don't think that I've even given anyone the opportunity to as me if anything is wrong. Surely, this question is a joke. I am here to provide valuable advice. I demand to be taken seriously and prank questions like this will not be tolerated.

Ariel says: If you know that there's something wrong, don't let "I don't' want to talk about it" or "nothing" be the answer. If you really care what's bothering me then bug the hell outta me until I let it out. Oh yes, I will hold onto it for 6 weeks because you didn't care enough 6 weeks ago to take the time to find out. (cough) Maybe this is hitting a little too close to home this morning.

Heather says: a) nothing = i don't know right now, i'm just crabby/angry/sad. ~or~ it's not a big deal, we'll talk later, just not right now
b) i don't want to talk about it = the last time i told you (blank) was wrong you made me feel like it was an insignificant problem, making me feel like ~i~ was insignificant and i'm not going to allow you to make me feel that way again. ~or~ i'm too pissed off at you/him/her to talk about this rationally right now, give me some time to chill.
you can avoid the whole 'now you must die you insensitive prick' stage by asking her a day or two later about it. 'hey honey, i know you were pretty upset the other day. are you ok now, would you like to talk about it? i can't help if i don't know what was bothering you. i know i'm dense sometimes but help me out here.' this is best done when it's just the two of you and you've just handed her a pint of her favorite ben and jerry's. yelling 'hey! what the hell was wrong with you the other day anyway?' during a commercial break while she's in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner is not going to get you any useful information... a black eye maybe. :-)
as to why we don't just say what's on our mind, it's called shorthand. when we're pissy/sad/confused it's sometimes easier to just use shorthand than to have to explain everything.

When something is clearly bothering us, and you ask what is wrong, and we tell you "I don't wanna talk about it. It isn't you. " then why do you all hear "I wanna tell you all about it. It must be all about you. Now ask me a million questions and REALLY get me pissed off."

Roadchick says: Because it's always all about us. Don't you GET that? Females are very in-tune emotionally. Everything is tied to emotion. The relationship is tied into emotion so if one part of that relationship is having an issue, it affects the relationship, therefore directly affecting the female. The easiest way to deflect the frantic female is to give her a little information about what is bothering you, request some time to yourself to process the situation, and reassure her that if you need to talk, you'll let her know. Give her a hug and kiss and tell her you love her. That's all she really wants to know anyway - that it's NOT her, and you love her.

Mist says: Either you are in a very open relationship or you have multiple personalities. Clearly, when you say "us" and "we," you are talking about you and your other selves. This would be enough to drive any woman crazy. It's hard enough to be in a relationship with one man, but add a few other personalities to the mix and you have a recipe for lots of arguments and opportunities to sleep on the couch. She is not asking you a million questions, she is asking all of you. The way I see it, you have two options; 1.) tell your other personalities to buy her nice shoes, or 2.) integrate. I am willing to pass on my shrink's phone number so that you (collectively) can get some help.

Ariel says: It's because if the shoe was on our foot we really do want to talk about it when we say we don't want to talk about it. Sometimes. Hell, I don't know. Most of the time if I'm told "No, seriously, I don't want to talk about it" I just shrug it off and go wait for him to come and talk to me about it. I think we care and want to be able to make the problem go away even if we had nothing to do with it.

Heather says: we don't hear 'i wanna tell you all about it.' depending on your tone of voice and body language we hear either 'i have a boo-boo and need help but i'm a guy and can't ask for it.' ~or~ 'oh goody! gossip! you've got to hear what so and so did!

How do we open the subject of a threesome without getting killed? Guys all dig this scene. You all will never bring it up even if you're curious and/or interested. So how do we do it respectfully without dodging shoes, coke bottles, and the family cat?

Roadchick says: Best advice? Know your girl. If you're seriously considering this, then you should, by that point in the relationship, know your partner well enough to know if they have a bit of the freak about them. Are willing to experiment. You could start a little smaller - role play or costumes and see how she does with it. If it goes well, expand a little further. A threesome is threatening to most women because you might love the other girl more than her. You might leave her for the other girl. It's all emotion based - not sex-based like for the guys.

Mist says: Buy me some shoes. If they are really nice I will not throw them at you. I also will not throw the cat because I will need someone to sleep with while you are getting used to sleeping outside. As for the threesome, be careful what you wish for. It may not go exactly the way that you intend it too. There is too much possibility for disaster. No matter how it goes, you will probably end up regretting it. Why not have an arrangement with me that I can sleep with other people and tell you about it in graphic detail later so that you feel like you were there? That sounds like a good compromise. No, you can't do the same.

Ariel says: I prefer a straight up approach—tell me it's something you want to try, ask me if it's something I want to try, respect my decision either way—If I say no, don't pout and talk about how all the other girls do it—If I say yes, for the love of god don't do a victory dance.

Heather says: ok, for starters not all guys are into this! i brought this up with an ex years ago and the next thing i knew i was a bi-sexual slut who couldn't keep her pants up if she was paid to! needless to say i was shocked. especially since the only reason i brought it up in the first place was that his birthday was coming up and i wanted to fulfill a fantasy for him. i've never asked anyone since and i never will. the point to all this is that the following is just a guess. i just don't know from experience. two ideas come to mind. 1) watch porn with her. if scenes involving threesomes make her hotter than one on one scenes, she's probably receptive to the idea. you could ask her if she's ever wanted to try it. but try to do so in such a manner that makes it clear that you're ok with either answer and you're not going to disappear off the face of the earth if she says no. or you can try number 2) while doing something that is not directly related to sex such as cooking or cleaning (when its just the two of you) ask her what her fantasies are, you may get lucky. just make sure she's in a good mood first. don't try this when she's been running around all day or working at a job she hates. after expressing a willingness to act out one of her fantasies tell her some of yours. just make sure one of them includes a ~romantic~ seduction of her. you know, candles, roses, wine with a cork. none of that box stuff. and one that's totally off the wall. like having sex while skydiving. that way a threesome sounds perfectly normal compared to the rest. either way, good luck with this one.

My wife will not let me go to a Strip Club unless she goes. Then she'll help pick the girls for the table dances, have a couples table dance, and even help the dancer with the "arousing" bits. Why is that? Is it a control thing, or does she just not trust me alone?

Roadchick says: She's making sure that even though you're looking at some strange, you are NOT forgetting who you're married to. The 'chick suspects, unless wife is bi, this is an example of the "I'm a good sport and just a little kinky" trick. Your wife could give a shit about being at the strip club except for the fact that she is making sure that YOU don't give too much of a shit about being at the strip club. And she's claiming her territory in front of the dancers.

Mist says: At my local strip clubs, we are discouraged from helping with arousing bits. In fact, we get escorted out for helping with arousing bits. Where is this fine establishment where you can help with the arousing bits? I'll see you and your wife there. You'll recognize me by my big hair, I'll recognize you because you'll be the man on a short leash. Also, I really, really like saying "arousing bits."

Ariel says: It sounds to me like a control thing. If she's that involved maybe it gets her hot and bothered too and it just doesn't seem appropriate for her to go alone.

Heather says: personally, i like to think that j can't become aroused without me. i'm not stupid though and i know that isn't the case. it's one thing to watch porn and another to actually have the girl right there in flesh and blood. and tassels. and g-strings. and whatever else. you can fantasize all you want about porn stars but in reality very few of you will actually meet them. much less have a chance to sleep with them. as for the girl at the local strip joint, she's right there for the taking. j and i have never been to a strip club together but i think i would be seriously insecure about it. i ~know~ he loves me and isn't going anywhere but still.... at least your girl and you enjoy the clubs together. be glad you get that much.

My girlfriend asks me what I want for dinner. I tell her anything will be fun, whatever she feels like cooking. Then, whatever she cooks, I'll happily eat. Yet this annoys her, why?

Roadchick says: Because she cannot think of a single thing that sounds even remotely appetizing or interesting and she's hoping that you'll be decisive and say: I want meatloaf (or steak, or whatever) and then she can 1) fix what you've said you'd really like to have ...and...2) not have to try to figure something out. Sometimes, we really do want to give you what you want. Take advantage of that when it's offered.

Mist says: The bigger question is, if you know that this annoys her, why not just say tacos or meatloaf or pan-seared tuna? Incidentally, please make pan-seared tuna night Wednesdays so as not to conflict with anything else in my schedule. Let's say, 6-ish?

Ariel says: Dude, take the effort to say wtf you want to eat. Most likely if she asked you she has no clue what to cook and really needs your input on ideas. As my mother used to say "I'm fresh outta anything and whatever is moldy"

Heather says: would it kill you to help in the decision making process? i get this all the time, only j usually doesn't like what i've made. sometimes we just don't know what to make or we're not really into cooking at the moment but we've gotta eat. when she asks what you want ask her what your choices are and does she have a preference. if she does have a preference say ' that's great, i was thinking the same thing.' offer to set the table or help cook. but don't just disappear till the dinner bell is rung. if she doesn't have a preference, pick something, it doesn't matter what, just something off of the list of choices she gave you. and again, offer to help. chances are that she's not only annoyed that you didn't help making the decision, but that you didn't help either.

Men are more visually stimulated than women. If we're at a mall, I'll see a hot chick and look. Its my girlfriend I'm going home to, it's my girlfriend that I'm holding hands with at the time, it's a natural reaction, so WHY does that piss her off so bad? Is SHE insecure?

Roadchick says: Yes. Are you just NOW figuring that out? It's threatening because yeah, that is a hot chick - maybe she's hotter than girlfriend - what if you're tired of girlfriend and want the hot chick - you'll leave girlfriend and then she'll be alone and people will call her the crazy cat lady . . .
It's all emotion-based. All of it. We're all insecure in one way or another. Maybe a previous boyfriend was a real dick and flirted constantly with other women and cheated on her. Is that your fault? No. Are you going to pay for his screw-ups? Yep, until she is comfortable and secure that you are NOT that guy. Try saying something like: She's hot, but so are you _____ and mention something about her that you DO think is hot. Y'all are visual. Surprise, surprise, guys: Girls are auditory. Talk to her. Talk dirty to her. You might be surprised what those words can do for you.

Mist says: I keep trying to tell you not to look at me in the mall. I appreciate that you recognize how well my slutty jeans fit me. You should know that when my friends and I burst out in laughter, it's because of you and how you look holding her hand admiring my jeans. We see that look in your girlfriend's eyes and we know that you're in for it. G*d, that never gets old. Another question, why do you go to the mall with your girlfriend? Have her call me, we'll shop together. You can't be that much fun to shop with.

Ariel says: Yes, but most women are. We also want to be the center of attention so if you want to look at some other female while you're holding our hand it's not good.

Heather says: does this 'look' involve drool or an erection? if so you're out of line. and yes, she is insecure. you can help counter her insecurity by either saying something catty, ie: what was she thinking wearing a t-shirt today, it's 20 below out!' or something smooth, ie: sure she's got a nice butt, however you have the sexiest eyes/smile/legs i've ever seen. followed by a kiss. a nice kiss, not a peck on the cheek but not something that's gonna get you thrown out of the mall either.

Is there any possible way to make the 'switch' from a girl you have dated a few times to her close friend?

Roadchick says: Wow, y'all like to live dangerously. Sure, give it a try. But be forewarned - previous girlfriend will absolutely tell new girlfriend all of your....shortcomings. In detail. Possibly with pictures.

Mist says: Yes. Absolutely. Here are some things that will help you make this transition as smooth as possible. You will need to continue to take her out to dinner and call her right before you go to bed. You will have to meet her parents and you will not be able to date anyone else. Introduce her to people as your future wife and call her cute nicknames in public. Always, always walk with your hand in her back pocket. Then, when she gets sick of you, she will suggest that the two of you remain friends (note: she may not mean it when she suggests the whole friendship thing, but at least you will have had the chance to sleep with her a few more times.) That's the only way.

Ariel says: I haven't had a guy attempt this with me and a fellow friend since high school. I think you have talk to the friend you want to see and see if she and the other friend have set terms regarding if they're "allowed" to see exs. Trust me, most close friends have had this conversation at one point or another.

Heather says: ok, 1st things 1st. have you dated girl 'a' in the last month or so? if so you're screwed for now. if not, so far so good. 2nd, keep in mind that girl 'a' has told girl 'b' everything. and i do mean ~everything~ so if you managed to piss off girl 'a' you're back to being screwed, or rather not gonna get screwed. if you haven't dated girl 'a' in a while, does she know that you're no longer interested in her as dating material? until she knows that and is good with it, it won't be an easy road at all. if she does know and every things good between you guys then my suggestion is to talk to girl 'a' first and tell her that you would like to ask girl 'b' out but you don't want to cause any unnecessary tension between the two girls. if nothing else she'll like that you cared enough to come to her first. an added benefit would be that she could clue you into whether or not girl 'b' is interested. honesty is the best policy here. and could save you a lot of grief in the long run. if girl 'a' freaks about it you may want to date someone outside her circle for a while. at least until things chill, who knows, you may decide not to date girl 'b' after all. :-)

My wife tells me that if I ever cheat on her she will not kill me fast. She also followed up the statement with: "Have you ever read Stephen King's Misery?" Is this a sign of her love? Or permission to cheat?

Roadchick says: Do you feel lucky? As a general rule, the 'chick would urge caution around psychopathic, hormonal, frustrated women wielding large cleavers and hammers, but you go with whatever works for you.

Mist says: Your wife doesn't know who I am, does she?

Ariel says: Dude, that's one of the worst threats I've ever heard. My ankles ache just thinking about it. Word to the wise: don't cheat unless you don't value your ankles.

Heather says: no and no. it's a threat, pure and simple. a damn good one too. a back rub for you when you know she's tired is a sign of love, a 'wow honey, she's hot! you should do her.' is permission. so unless you're seriously into pain and suffering, cheating is not recommended, what ~is~ recommended is a re-reading of misery and watching the movie to help you decide if it's worth the hassle. after all, just how good could the sex possibly be?


Odat said...

Thanks for all the helpful info...Great

fringes said...

Great panel. You guys did good.

Michael Thomas said...

I'm really thinking that it would be better to let Girl a and Girl b in on it, and then date them both. I mean, you're dead anyway, if you switch. You might as well try to go out with a real bang. It might just be one of those days you get REALLY lucky.

briliantdonkey said...

Great answers ladies. Even to some of the more 'out there' questions.
Thanks for the insight.


Roadchick said...

Odat~ We live to serve. Thanks for stopping by!

Fringes~ Thanks! It was interesting.

Michael~ Let's not go to the casino together. Your luck is definitely different than the 'chick's.

Donkey~ Thanks, dahlin'. Y'all did great too.

mist1 said...

Lord, we talk a lot.

Roadchick said...

Mist~ This post has to be one of the longest ones to ever grace the Roadtrip. No telling how many gave up before reaching the bottom.

Unilove said...

This was very entertaining reading, well-done, and even made me stop lurking and post my appreciation. The panel was a great mix of wit, intelligence, forthrightness, and honesty.


Michael Thomas said...

And you're just figuring out that you're talking a lot? ? ? ? Been Hibernating?

Roadchick said...

Michael~ Be careful. You've got to be approaching your manly word quota by now.

Roadchick said...

Unilove~ Thanks so much for the comment. It was a lot of fun and definitely eye-opening.

heather said...

now michael, those were two seperate questions, don't go trying to combine the two now! lol

Bice said...

"standing at the end of the bed with your pants around your ankles saying, 'so which do you want more of, intercourse or foreplay?"

This was the best advice I could have ever been given. Thanks Heather. I'm using it tonight. Wish me luck.

heather said...

bice, i refuse to take any responsibility whatsoever for anything that takes place after you utter those words! do ~not~ mention my name when you're trying to get out of the dog house, i will deny, deny, deny! lol

Lizza said...

Got here via mist1.

Your answers were great! I found myself nodding in agreement to many of them, haha!

Ariel said...

I just like that one most of the questions at least 2 of the panel had the same opinion. I thought it was interesting.